The Essay is already written, I just need corrections…. I need someone who knows Bluebook in-text citation and references…. There are comments on the pages that need to be incorporated in to the essay. As well as tweaking it to make it more of a legal analyzing paper. I will attach the grading rubric as well… I will also tip really well for a paper that gets an A.

I need someone who is fluent in English and can correct grammar.

Please see paper and comments. Try to incorporate any comments from below as well…

– I found a moderately strong thesis statement (contained within a couple of sentences) in your paper that you might have used to guide you through the rest of the research paper. A good thesis should be used like a travel itinerary that provides the readers (“travelers”) with the highlights of where you (the writer, or “tour guide”) are going to take them as you explain your subject. Because it offers the readers an overview, it should be placed pretty close to the beginning of the paper. In addition, the weaker the thesis statement, the more likely you are to veer away from the subject, which is the functional equivalent of the tour guide getting “lost” with the tourists. The best way to strengthen a thesis statement is to definitively state exactly what the main point of your paper is, and then hit the highlights of how you will prove that main point. Then as you follow this “map” throughout the rest of your paper, your overall organization will improve so that you can tell your readers exactly what they need to know without repetition (always an indicator of a structural organization problem). You, as the tour guide, need to make sure that you stick to the travel itinerary. In your case, you provided both a thesis statement and a road map, but you did not follow them particularly closely, probably because of the vagueness factor (as discussed in my Week 1 Assignment advice to you).

– Your research paper contained quite a bit of repetition and much incomplete thought transfer, both of which pointed to the need for improved organization of your writing. I suspect that this was largely due to the vagueness of your submission of your Week 1 Assignment; that carried over here. If you think about it, the primary purpose of writing anything is to communicate your ideas to whoever will read your words. So, if you’re going to share your ideas with someone, you need to do so in a way that ensures that the readers can readily receive the message that you are trying to communicate. Re-organizing the order in which you presented information in your paper can increase the odds of your readers’ ability to understand your primary message.

– Paying attention to how you organize the sharing of your thoughts is directly related to your demonstration of mastery over the topic. Remember that as the person who conducted the research, you are the subject matter expert. Your job in writing a scholarly paper such as this paper is to share what you’ve learned with your readers in such a way that they can understand. I mention this because there are a number of places where you mentioned an idea, but did not fully explain its relevance or did not provide your references. It appears that you assumed that your readers would just know what you were discussing. As the subject matter expert/researcher though, you have to connect the dots for your readers so that they can follow your logic.

– Your paper contained many grammatical errors; some of these errors appear to be related to your use of passive voice, but others seem to be related to incomplete editing. Passive voice is wordier than active voice, which is preferred for academic writings. This caused some of the information that you intended to convey to be diluted. You can find more information about passive voice both in the Resources section of this classroom and in the library. In addition, some (but not all) your writing style was presented sometimes in a manner that is probably closely related to the way that you speak. Most Americans speak rather informally. But scholastic writing is formal and therefore requires the use of plain business English.

– Your paper was also not as well-supported as it could have been. It contains a number of generalizations for which you did not provide citations to the sources for the facts or allegations, nor did you did not fully explain their relevance. You have to provide a source for every fact and assumption that you make in academic writings. You also did not consistently use Bluebook citation style.

– Similarly, your paper contained almost no legal analysis, which was the primary purpose of this research paper. This course is the final stage of the Legal Studies program, so it was critical that you demonstrate your competence in legal research, analysis and writing. It appears that you might have thought that the assignment was to produce an essay, but you really needed to submit a formal, fully supported research paper.

– You tend to write passionately; that is a good skill for other kinds of writing styles, even though this assignment called for objective legal analysis. I don’t know what other kinds of courses that you might have taken (or might still take in the future), but you might want to consider exploring other ways to harness that passion. For example, have you had any creative writing, political science, sociology or journalism courses? If not, you might want to think about one or more of them. Nearly all of them will still require you to rely heavily upon more research than you provided here, but it’s possible that you might find one or more of them to be good fits into which you could channel your passionate writing style. If you decide that you like any or all of them, who knows — you may be able to find a new career path for yourself that merges what you’ve learned in life thus far and in this degree program, with that. This is just food for thought; not a part of the grading process here, where I rely only on the grading rubric.

– The substantive text of your paper was about 12 pages in length, which is longer than the 10 page requirement. Writing exactly 10 pages is more difficult in that it requires skillful word selection and organization to support your thesis statement.

– Finally, I recommend that, in the future, you consider doing more editing before submission. One hint for future scholarly writing assignments might before you to write your first draft based on your natural speech patterns. In other words, your first draft could be written as if you are “talking” to me, the reader. That is a great technique to help you get your initial thoughts on paper. But academic and legal writings require the use of more formal plain business English. Thus, most people need to edit their papers in order to refine them properly. Ideally, the best way to do this is to allow enough time prior to the due date to set your first draft aside for a day or two. Then come back to it and read through it multiple times. (I know that you’ve done that, but I don’t know for which purpose you made your revisions.) Each time that you re-read it, you should look at it from a different perspective. For example, the first time that you re-read it, you might want to look solely for organization issues (e.g., do you have a clearly defined thesis statement, and if so, do the rest of the paragraphs cleanly follow the organizational pattern set up by the thesis statement, etc.). The second re-reading might be to look for passive voice issues. The third re-reading might be to clean up grammar and spelling errors. And you keep doing those sorts of things separately until you know by the end of what might be your twelfth re-reading that you have an excellent paper. That’s why extra time needs to be set aside prior to the due date specifically for editorial work.




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